My Periwinkle Sky

I am constantly running 
Chasing!
Sometimes the streets are narrow, sometimes wide
Along a river, in the hills, on the beach
Even when I’m sitting, I’m running 
It’s a forever constant 

Is this being free or bounded ? 
What do you think? Which side will you pick? 
The glass half empty or half full. 

What’s driving you crazier?

Constantly accommodating and being nice to everyone?
The pretentious smiles and hellos 
Lack of depth in conversations 
Or 
Realising your daily battle to be or not be a part of this ‘system’, this ‘society’.
Misfit ?
Which path should I pick? 
In which direction should I run next ? 
Do I even have a choice? 
Too many questions.

My mind feels like a commotion of thoughts and emotions.
Expectations always fail you 
Yet no matter how hard you try 
you can’t seem to let go of them either 
And each time they fail,
You drown a bit more and you rise a bit more 
How strange! 

When I talk to others they seem to have a similar story to share 
Choose one. Be one. 
Optimist, pessimist or realist. 
Or choose as per convenience
After all, who is here to judge  

The question I struggle the most with is
How do I be real? 
What does being real even mean? 
What thoughts aren’t influenced by people, circumstances, experiences or expectations? 

In my head I hear a laughter and I hear a cry 
Why is ‘grey’ the most difficult and painful?
Is that what it means to be a realist ? 
To be your authentic self. 

As time goes by I feel stronger but also weaker
In this journey as much as I feel I am getting closer to clarity 
I couldn’t have felt more lost 
It is as though I no longer feel an emotion in singularity 
With happiness comes sadness 
Accomplishments seem worthy and yet shallow 

I do feel the ambition but not for what’s expected 
The template of success seems so fake
But then those are the set parameters
Which path should I pick? Which way do I turn now ? 
No matter how hard you try to run away 
The template pulls you back 
Maybe because somewhere it’s still known, familiar space;
The lesser forged path is always more difficult. 
Is being authentic always painful? Maybe.

I want to be real.
I just want to be authentic, be me! 
If the answers are not in black and white 
Why does the grey scare me so much?

To be ruthless yet empathetic 
Isn’t that what nature teaches us to be? 
The fine balance - that’s exactly what she is. 
Realist, optimist, pessimist
Grey, white and black. 
Everything!

The real question is do I have the courage to accept? 
The reality and whatever that may be. 
To accept the fine balance- ‘everything’
It’s not easy. I know. 
The answer is - I do. 
And the simple truth is, I no longer want to run.
I just want to fly in my periwinkle sky!

- dedicated to the process of constant learning and questioning. And my support family without whom nothing would be possible. I’m grateful to have all of you in my life. 

The Forest and The Sunflower

Nature is magical; pure bliss
The luxurious green trees of all shapes and forms 
And the illuminating speckles of dust 
Flowing through the mysterious sun rays 
As if playing their own musical notes 
Hoping to find their way 

Like how you and I found each other?

Often when I look at the trees
I wonder about all the things they’ve seen
And the journeys they’ve had 
A thousand stories to tell? 

You and I are one in the making. 

Life is much like finding your way through the forest
A maze full of chances; expected and unexpected 
Sometimes you have the answers,
The path a straight line ahead 
And sometimes you are lost; no answers, no whispers 
Just long empty silences; ambushed?
Till you see the canopy; a star shining so bright 

Hope. Belief. Love.
You. I. Us.

As you walk deeper into the crevices of the forest 

The familiarity in the strangeness is astounding 

You can hear the stream flowing and the tiny whirlpools talking 

The little homes become evident 

Nests and spider webs and the cocoons 

Fireflies guiding you through the darkness 

There is immense and unbounded warmth 

Your embrace!

However, some views are extra special; breathtaking, spectacular!

When your heart skips a beat 

And breathing is no longer relevant; the pattern breaks 

This “disturbance” is enchanting! 

You can feel your heart smiling

And every fibre of your existence dances with joy 

Divine happiness! 

And that’s how I felt when I saw 

The Sunflower!

A rare sight

So pure, so beautiful 

It was perfect and it wasn’t 

Everything I wanted and even more 

In that moment I knew my absolute truth 

For it was the creation of love! 

And that’s what they are

Your eyes! 

When I look into them 

My heart skips a beat 

And I feel abundant warmth 

In a moment I live a thousand lives

And that’s what they are

Your eyes!

They are the forest and the sunflower! 

- dedicated to the one who taught me that love is mostly patience. It is ever growing, challenging and most importantly grounding. My green eyed nerd, I love you more each day! 

A Brief Theory of Entanglement

Part I

Is love simply a chance?
A series of random events waiting to happen
And then without you even realising
You are at the right place at the right time
Serendipity? Magic? Or maybe science?

A part of me thinks it is belief

Mine in love

Of the one that makes you feel at home

Where you can just be and breathe

Or as someone once said to me,

“you can just feel it in your bones that it’s meant to be”

We all have our unique definition of love

Dreamy, bedazzled, heartwarming, magical

But for me the defining word has always been exceptional

With you it’s been that and more; redefining and humbling

Every day I feel the warmth of your gaze

And the comfort of your embrace

I love being with you

And all this despite the distance

It is so beautiful and humbling
To feel loved, respected and cared for this way

 

Is that love at its deepest?
Yes.

Ever nurturing.

Where we both are the center

Just as there is “we” and there is “you” and “I”

Whilst the complexity is grounding

The simplicity of this love is magnificent

I feel enriched

I understand now what it means to be loved

And I am ever grateful

However, I am curious

At which point in the series of random events did our fates intertwine

Was there a particular event ?

Or was it the whole series ?

A beautiful green eyed nerd told me about a phenomenon

And I think that’s a highly probable explanation

It starts at the origin; point zero

Where two particles are generated

And the quantum state of each particle cannot be described independently of the other

Despite the spatial distance

And that’s what it is.

We are an entangled system.

Eureka!

I guess love is serendipity and magic and all of that

But for us it’s the “Theory of Entanglement”.

 

-Dedicated to the beautiful green-eyed nerd. You make my heart smile. 

Metanoia

For years now it’s been a ritual
Each morning I look in the mirror
And I tell myself, “I can do it”
“Everything will be alright”
“Count your blessings l”
“You are loved”
“Stay positive”

Don’t break, hang in there
Negativity won’t help
It’ll only make you seem weaker
Don’t let your inner core deplete into shallowness
I could see the void in my eyes

I said to myself again
Don’t break, hang in there
Hang in there just a moment longer
But the cracks were brewing
And I could foresee the explosion

Dark grey smoke crawling in
Pungent viscous thoughts of the dream breaking
My dream; the one that kept me going
It’s okay. I’ll have a new dream, I said to myself

But this time was different
I knew what lay ahead
I was prepared and I wasn’t
One can only do so much

The truth is that to win
One must surrender to the struggle
But the irony lies in the way you define the win
Twisted and malicious
Hurtful and deceitful
Or
Spectacular and shiny
And the glorious champion

I’ve always found struggle so fascinating
The things it does to you and the person it makes you
How astonishing! Serendipity?
Is it simply fate?
Or is it genuine hard-work and clarity of thoughts
Perseverance and courage
And the right set of choices?

I have tried to seek the answer and I cannot seem to find it
Or maybe I didn’t try hard enough
Or maybe time will be the testament
And a prophecy will unfold

However, the question remains
In the cycle of metamorphosis
Where am I today?
What now? What next?
Did I really win?

The mathematics of life is a simple sine curve
And I am just a mere particle oscillating through the zeros; above and below
Or is this the point where I have finally broken through?
I am now finally on my path; unimpeded and genuine.
Mine; will and creation!

I don’t want to be the winner
For that’s too shallow for me.
I want to be wiser and humbler
And that’s the only form of stability I pursue

The negatives are significant too
They teach you about the limitations you can create for yourself
Just like how the positives teach you about the new possibilities
Together they make you bolder; well-fortified

After all this time and through the numerous whimsical struggles
It was this time that made me embrace myself; truly
Both the known and the unknown
I’m no longer constrained by the highs and lows
A free particle in my own space continuum
For this is my metamorphosis
And I am a butterfly of my own creation; metanoia!

Dear Exceptional

Dear Exceptional,

As I sit here and look up the stars,

I wonder who you are and where you must be?

Will sparks fly the first time we meet?

Or will time take its own sweet course?

Do your eyes twinkle when you laugh?

Are you passionate about something? Are you a thinker?

Will we have a favorite cafe where we would sit and chat and absorb the gentleness of our making?

I must tell you that I am a dreamer

And often I tend to drift into my world of thoughts.

Know this that I will love you like no other

There is nothing more beautiful than simple and grounded love

But it is rare to find, I guess

Maybe you and I will be that?

Exceptional!

I hope your hands stay warm because mine mostly are cold

Once in a while, I will need you to hold mine and share that warmth

Maybe, more than once.

Honestly, always.

You see this is not easy for me

I have been looking for you, thinking about you, imagining you

Sometimes I have felt like I have met you

But mostly I do not know.

A plethora of theories and numerous questions

I no longer know if this is just a concept in my head or one created by the society or if you do exist

If all these tales and fables are indeed true

And do we even need a “forever” to live happily ever after?

I thought I understood love

But now that I have been broken; quite a few times

And seen how life does not merely resume but fast forwards

For each time it is a plunge you take

With every passing minute the waters only get deeper

Holding breath no longer seems like an exercise to appreciate the virtue of patience

It becomes a struggle and you feel suffocated.

Eventually, you let go and put on a brave smile

Every so often you lie to yourself that you no longer need that love

I am a dreamer and so, I have taught myself to be careful

Someday, with you I would share the stories my scars

And you would talk about yours.

No, I do not want you to be here all the time

But what I want is to able to count on you

In this magnificent chaos if you and I could have a moment as “us”

For me would that be enough.

Let’s hope that we’d be best friends

And we share the compassion and trust that allows us to grow individually and together

And most importantly may we feel empowered and emancipated to just be.

I hope we are lucky enough to travel a lot

Relive history, listen to stories of the unfamiliar, share a laugh with a stranger

And as we walk hand in hand through the unknown streets,

Make some stories of our own

Just you and me.

You should know the sky fascinates me a lot

Different shades of blues and mild tones of purple, orange and pink

The one in the morning, afternoon and evening

And especially the one at night with the moon and the stars; each telling a different story

They make me happy. They do.

Dear Exceptional,

As I sit here and look up the stars

I wonder

If you are looking up at them too

And wondering who I am and where I must be.

-Dedicated to dreamers, love, friendship and hope.

Perspective

Every single moment that passes

The air that you breathe in and out

From the time you plant a seed

To when the roots begin to get firm

And the shoot starts to rise

When you see the first bud

And finally, when it blossoms

To the bees that hum around

More buds that burst into a laughter

When finally the first petal falls off

And then the leaves crumble

From that vivacious green to the dull brown to soon becoming obsolete

The journey from nothingness into disappearance

That uncanny cycle continues

All in all an amalgamation of life

Time waits for no one; tick-tock tick-tock

And yet it only and strangely always takes a tragedy to get things into perspective

But what is perspective?

It is the lack of sympathy for our fellow human beings

For the birds, trees, rain and air and sunshine

It is that piece of garbage that we threw on the streets 

All those chemicals that have rendered our rivers dry

It is all the animals we’ve murdered and felt proud

Those pets we abandoned

All the homes we destroyed; human or not

It is our ignorance

It is that privilege and power that fills us up with smugness

It is that shame we never feel

Our callousness towards everyone and everything

All those warnings we payed no heed to

I want to call us special

Unfortunately, most of us are nothing but selfish

And look where we are today and the damage that we’ve done.

Remember it is “we”. Stop pointing fingers.

Period.

Yes, thank you to the few special ones 

Without them who knows where we’d be

We must be truly grateful to them.

At least now let’s listen and learn?

It’s heartbreaking to see the madness and chaos we’ve created

No, I don’t just want to dwell on the bad and the negative

But we cannot just live in denial anymore

It has to begin with acceptance

In the bigger scheme of things maybe we are insignificant

Few are famous and even fewer will be remembered

But that does not mean that all of us don’t matter; we do.

Our daily actions and choices can make a difference.

Remember just saying that we are apologetic will not be enough

Let us all truly become special and make responsible choices

Even if that means saving just one tree or using one less bucket of water 

Feeding one animal or washing our own dishes 

Or just being a little more compassionate and sensitive

If we all take it upon ourselves and do our tiny bit

Eventually that would mean seven billion of us

That is a significant impact

Maybe that should be our perspective?

Remember that it is not about the stardust

But the star

Without the star there is no magic, no beauty, no light; no reality

And our reality is our perspective

- Dedicated to hope and to the spirit of living right.