My Periwinkle Sky

I am constantly running 
Chasing!
Sometimes the streets are narrow, sometimes wide
Along a river, in the hills, on the beach
Even when I’m sitting, I’m running 
It’s a forever constant 

Is this being free or bounded ? 
What do you think? Which side will you pick? 
The glass half empty or half full. 

What’s driving you crazier?

Constantly accommodating and being nice to everyone?
The pretentious smiles and hellos 
Lack of depth in conversations 
Or 
Realising your daily battle to be or not be a part of this ‘system’, this ‘society’.
Misfit ?
Which path should I pick? 
In which direction should I run next ? 
Do I even have a choice? 
Too many questions.

My mind feels like a commotion of thoughts and emotions.
Expectations always fail you 
Yet no matter how hard you try 
you can’t seem to let go of them either 
And each time they fail,
You drown a bit more and you rise a bit more 
How strange! 

When I talk to others they seem to have a similar story to share 
Choose one. Be one. 
Optimist, pessimist or realist. 
Or choose as per convenience
After all, who is here to judge  

The question I struggle the most with is
How do I be real? 
What does being real even mean? 
What thoughts aren’t influenced by people, circumstances, experiences or expectations? 

In my head I hear a laughter and I hear a cry 
Why is ‘grey’ the most difficult and painful?
Is that what it means to be a realist ? 
To be your authentic self. 

As time goes by I feel stronger but also weaker
In this journey as much as I feel I am getting closer to clarity 
I couldn’t have felt more lost 
It is as though I no longer feel an emotion in singularity 
With happiness comes sadness 
Accomplishments seem worthy and yet shallow 

I do feel the ambition but not for what’s expected 
The template of success seems so fake
But then those are the set parameters
Which path should I pick? Which way do I turn now ? 
No matter how hard you try to run away 
The template pulls you back 
Maybe because somewhere it’s still known, familiar space;
The lesser forged path is always more difficult. 
Is being authentic always painful? Maybe.

I want to be real.
I just want to be authentic, be me! 
If the answers are not in black and white 
Why does the grey scare me so much?

To be ruthless yet empathetic 
Isn’t that what nature teaches us to be? 
The fine balance - that’s exactly what she is. 
Realist, optimist, pessimist
Grey, white and black. 
Everything!

The real question is do I have the courage to accept? 
The reality and whatever that may be. 
To accept the fine balance- ‘everything’
It’s not easy. I know. 
The answer is - I do. 
And the simple truth is, I no longer want to run.
I just want to fly in my periwinkle sky!

- dedicated to the process of constant learning and questioning. And my support family without whom nothing would be possible. I’m grateful to have all of you in my life.