Metanoia

For years now it’s been a ritual
Each morning I look in the mirror
And I tell myself, “I can do it”
“Everything will be alright”
“Count your blessings l”
“You are loved”
“Stay positive”

Don’t break, hang in there
Negativity won’t help
It’ll only make you seem weaker
Don’t let your inner core deplete into shallowness
I could see the void in my eyes

I said to myself again
Don’t break, hang in there
Hang in there just a moment longer
But the cracks were brewing
And I could foresee the explosion

Dark grey smoke crawling in
Pungent viscous thoughts of the dream breaking
My dream; the one that kept me going
It’s okay. I’ll have a new dream, I said to myself

But this time was different
I knew what lay ahead
I was prepared and I wasn’t
One can only do so much

The truth is that to win
One must surrender to the struggle
But the irony lies in the way you define the win
Twisted and malicious
Hurtful and deceitful
Or
Spectacular and shiny
And the glorious champion

I’ve always found struggle so fascinating
The things it does to you and the person it makes you
How astonishing! Serendipity?
Is it simply fate?
Or is it genuine hard-work and clarity of thoughts
Perseverance and courage
And the right set of choices?

I have tried to seek the answer and I cannot seem to find it
Or maybe I didn’t try hard enough
Or maybe time will be the testament
And a prophecy will unfold

However, the question remains
In the cycle of metamorphosis
Where am I today?
What now? What next?
Did I really win?

The mathematics of life is a simple sine curve
And I am just a mere particle oscillating through the zeros; above and below
Or is this the point where I have finally broken through?
I am now finally on my path; unimpeded and genuine.
Mine; will and creation!

I don’t want to be the winner
For that’s too shallow for me.
I want to be wiser and humbler
And that’s the only form of stability I pursue

The negatives are significant too
They teach you about the limitations you can create for yourself
Just like how the positives teach you about the new possibilities
Together they make you bolder; well-fortified

After all this time and through the numerous whimsical struggles
It was this time that made me embrace myself; truly
Both the known and the unknown
I’m no longer constrained by the highs and lows
A free particle in my own space continuum
For this is my metamorphosis
And I am a butterfly of my own creation; metanoia!

Dear Exceptional

Dear Exceptional,

As I sit here and look up the stars,

I wonder who you are and where you must be?

Will sparks fly the first time we meet?

Or will time take its own sweet course?

Do your eyes twinkle when you laugh?

Are you passionate about something? Are you a thinker?

Will we have a favorite cafe where we would sit and chat and absorb the gentleness of our making?

I must tell you that I am a dreamer

And often I tend to drift into my world of thoughts.

Know this that I will love you like no other

There is nothing more beautiful than simple and grounded love

But it is rare to find, I guess

Maybe you and I will be that?

Exceptional!

I hope your hands stay warm because mine mostly are cold

Once in a while, I will need you to hold mine and share that warmth

Maybe, more than once.

Honestly, always.

You see this is not easy for me

I have been looking for you, thinking about you, imagining you

Sometimes I have felt like I have met you

But mostly I do not know.

A plethora of theories and numerous questions

I no longer know if this is just a concept in my head or one created by the society or if you do exist

If all these tales and fables are indeed true

And do we even need a “forever” to live happily ever after?

I thought I understood love

But now that I have been broken; quite a few times

And seen how life does not merely resume but fast forwards

For each time it is a plunge you take

With every passing minute the waters only get deeper

Holding breath no longer seems like an exercise to appreciate the virtue of patience

It becomes a struggle and you feel suffocated.

Eventually, you let go and put on a brave smile

Every so often you lie to yourself that you no longer need that love

I am a dreamer and so, I have taught myself to be careful

Someday, with you I would share the stories my scars

And you would talk about yours.

No, I do not want you to be here all the time

But what I want is to able to count on you

In this magnificent chaos if you and I could have a moment as “us”

For me would that be enough.

Let’s hope that we’d be best friends

And we share the compassion and trust that allows us to grow individually and together

And most importantly may we feel empowered and emancipated to just be.

I hope we are lucky enough to travel a lot

Relive history, listen to stories of the unfamiliar, share a laugh with a stranger

And as we walk hand in hand through the unknown streets,

Make some stories of our own

Just you and me.

You should know the sky fascinates me a lot

Different shades of blues and mild tones of purple, orange and pink

The one in the morning, afternoon and evening

And especially the one at night with the moon and the stars; each telling a different story

They make me happy. They do.

Dear Exceptional,

As I sit here and look up the stars

I wonder

If you are looking up at them too

And wondering who I am and where I must be.

-Dedicated to dreamers, love, friendship and hope.

Perspective

Every single moment that passes

The air that you breathe in and out

From the time you plant a seed

To when the roots begin to get firm

And the shoot starts to rise

When you see the first bud

And finally, when it blossoms

To the bees that hum around

More buds that burst into a laughter

When finally the first petal falls off

And then the leaves crumble

From that vivacious green to the dull brown to soon becoming obsolete

The journey from nothingness into disappearance

That uncanny cycle continues

All in all an amalgamation of life

Time waits for no one; tick-tock tick-tock

And yet it only and strangely always takes a tragedy to get things into perspective

But what is perspective?

It is the lack of sympathy for our fellow human beings

For the birds, trees, rain and air and sunshine

It is that piece of garbage that we threw on the streets 

All those chemicals that have rendered our rivers dry

It is all the animals we’ve murdered and felt proud

Those pets we abandoned

All the homes we destroyed; human or not

It is our ignorance

It is that privilege and power that fills us up with smugness

It is that shame we never feel

Our callousness towards everyone and everything

All those warnings we payed no heed to

I want to call us special

Unfortunately, most of us are nothing but selfish

And look where we are today and the damage that we’ve done.

Remember it is “we”. Stop pointing fingers.

Period.

Yes, thank you to the few special ones 

Without them who knows where we’d be

We must be truly grateful to them.

At least now let’s listen and learn?

It’s heartbreaking to see the madness and chaos we’ve created

No, I don’t just want to dwell on the bad and the negative

But we cannot just live in denial anymore

It has to begin with acceptance

In the bigger scheme of things maybe we are insignificant

Few are famous and even fewer will be remembered

But that does not mean that all of us don’t matter; we do.

Our daily actions and choices can make a difference.

Remember just saying that we are apologetic will not be enough

Let us all truly become special and make responsible choices

Even if that means saving just one tree or using one less bucket of water 

Feeding one animal or washing our own dishes 

Or just being a little more compassionate and sensitive

If we all take it upon ourselves and do our tiny bit

Eventually that would mean seven billion of us

That is a significant impact

Maybe that should be our perspective?

Remember that it is not about the stardust

But the star

Without the star there is no magic, no beauty, no light; no reality

And our reality is our perspective

- Dedicated to hope and to the spirit of living right. 

The Grey Where Love Is

All my life I’ve lived in black and white
Or at least I thought so
My grandma told me stories of right and wrong.
So many wars fought.
So many lives lost.
So many hearts broken.

Most people like the rain and so did I
But only until recently when I finally understood what it meant to fly; free and uninhibited
So, for me it’s neither the rain and nor when those dark dense clouds begin to appear
It’s the moment in between
When the first light drizzle falls on the ground and the earth finally breathes.
Oh that fragrance! Warm and comforting

Just like you.

They say people can find love anywhere
Or that magical things happen when you least expect them
I guess I never really believed that
Because I’ve always been the practical kind

You see I’ve been hurt too many times
I try to hide the scars but then it gets unbearable and I decide to let go
Only realizing later that I’m fragile
Much like that dainty little bird flying in the sky

But then us happened
I’m not sure if I felt it the first time we met
Who knew we’d be this special
To me being with you felt just like that moment
Only this time I breathed.

I liked all our conversations
When our eyes met and said the unspoken
Those long nights that seemed too short because I never wanted us to stop talking
To when our heartbeats met when our bodies intertwined
And through all the silences when you held my hand

You and I are different
We were never just simply black and white
There was never any wrong or right
And there was no heart left broken

No, this wasn’t simple
Everything about us was convoluted
And yet it seemed so easy; so real.
After all, you were that fragrance; warm and comforting
And we are the grey where love is.



- Dedicated to and inspired by my soul-sister and chosen family. I wish for you to keep flying high; free and uninhibited.

Everyday Grateful. Everyday Phenomenal.

All in all life is good.

Let’s start on that note.

Positive vibes only!

Nothing is constant.

Sans the daily mundane chores?

Dear Routine, you confuse me

You are edgy, distressing and oddly comforting; atrociously charming

Each morning unlike the other and yet the same.

Sometimes the sun is friendly, sometimes the clouds are harsh.

But the path I take to work is the same.

Every night the bed feels familiar only the creases on sheet much different.

Even in this unsymmetrical world

We are all looking for symmetries

Patterns make us feel comfortable

Yet we all want to break the glass ceiling

Every time that I make another list

I frown a little thinking how many more

They say you only live once

Life is too short; make the most of it

Stop, relax and take a deep breath

But in that moment I do it again.

I make a list.

Things I want to do

Places I want to visit

People I want to meet

The unsaid sorry’s

All the times I wish I had said I love you

The many hugs that I was reluctant about

Those tears I held back

Times I wish I had smiled more

The moments I wish I had enjoyed more

When I should have spoken with my heart and told exactly how I felt

Situations when I put too much pressure on myself

All those tasks done well, when I should have appreciated myself

The number of times I decided to not look back and move ahead

Times I failed and succeeded and when I was mediocre

The items on this action list are infinite

Eventually it becomes monotonous

We feel tired

And life simply goes on

But hey listen

Life isn’t meant to be perfect

Who hasn’t made mistakes?

We’ve all made bad choices

But also remember

The times you did well

All the right choices you made

Moments that felt like a struggle but you fought hard and well

Times you took a stand and supported your friend

When you made your loved ones proud

We are all a beautiful mess

Believe in yourself

Be proud of who you are

Every once in a while take a break

Just go out for a walk; alone or with your loved ones

And while on that stroll take mental pictures

Enjoy the surroundings; smile and feel at peace

Hold a hand, listen to the birds sing

Just breathe

Most importantly, remember to be grateful

Because everyday is phenomenal.

-Dedicated to impromptu walks, cherry blossom season, friends and family. 

Fluttering Beings and Feelings!

But what is life?

Look around you.
Do you feel the pace of time?
Bat an eyelid and much changes
From You and I to Us, and back to I
We’ve come a long way; many times
Over and over

Look into the eyes of others
Do you feel what they feel?
When we breathe the same,
Eat the same, feel the same!
The way our heart bounces when we fall in love,
The pain when we lose someone.

Feeling lost in the crowd
And yet smiling because we are the crowd.
We deny being judgmental only to limit others in our boxes of perception.
Who isn’t criticizing or cribbing or being skeptical?

Differences do exist; stark and plenty.
Each one just as unique and beautiful.
Physical. Circumstantial. Mental. Emotional.

No two hands look the same
Yet when the hands of two lovers intertwine the first time, 

The spark they feel; I guess that’s the same.
No two eyes alike
But have you ever observed the intensity and warmth of the stealing glances of a couple in making?

Do you feel it too? What others feel?
They. Them. Those.
I wonder who? Maybe everyone.
The madness of struggle in this hustle and bustle is real and so is the hope.
To wake up each morning and tell yourself that today will be better, ain’t easy.

I think we are all brave; finding our way around and trying to moving forward.

It’s okay to make mistakes.
And to feel sad, broken and hurt
To fall and fail, again and again and again; that’s okay too.
Look around closely, you aren’t the only one.
We are all in the process of learning

Once in a while, take a pause and just breathe. 

Be more appreciative of yourself and others.
In this magnificent chaos of differences and similarities, 

We are fortunate if we’ve found comforting company.

Maybe we value each other too less.
Maybe we are too self absorbed.
Maybe we are just who we are
Asking too many questions or not asking enough
In the end I guess, we are all just fluttering beings with fluttering feelings.

- Dedicated to the spirit of comforting friendships/relationships. 

And to those who have felt or are feeling lonely, remember we all do and you will be fine because you are amazing. Cheers!

Vidula and Darshita - heartfelt thank you :)